(no subject)

It's cold in spite of the bright sun. It's too early for this. We're going. He's leaving. I don't know what and the how of goodbye, but O can't breathe already.

this time we exist

Walking back to the empty apartment, wanting very badly to have somewhere to be, someone I'm to meet and spend time with. I don't want to step back into my hollow life in a room where he breathed. Walking back, I remember this from last time. Saying goodbye only to run into him again and again in the corner of my eye. Cities are rife with long men. None with the right angle of head, none with the proper voice to call me out. I walked away smiling, though I turned around and watched his red backpack out of sight with the eyesting that closes the throat. I could feel it in my teeth when they got on the plane. Fingers on the rests when acceleration hit. A moment when boarding when he looked at his shoes on the gray plastic floor. Back of the brain hallucination maybe, but it pushed me into me like reality.

this part never gets any easier, does it

I had nothing to read on the way back and nothing to write with. The bookstore gave me Memoirs of a Geisha. Thoughts of Nikki tied in with it, the hot-tub, the flowers, bubbles and Her. Patterning for my female desires. Next staying summertime. An after the accident walking with a cane, staying in the front room, living at Johnathan's house, with Mike Schaldemose and Carrie. Being with Bill and missing him. Fitting that I take it away from this. First patterning. First with a lot of things. Painter lover and just realizing last night that I was underage.

I have sent panties to be thrown by my friend Mike.

Talking on-line with Mike, I asked him if he would throw lacey panties on the stage and this was his reply:

SpaZ will be seeing David Byrne live in 2 weeks! says:
You could even staple a note to them. "Dear David, I'm stuck off in Vancouver and can't come to your show. But I have sent panties to be thrown by my friend Mike. Please come to Vancouver and fuck me. Yours, Jhayne.

as much as I dye it, I am a blonde idiot

Um wow. Holy flying monkays and cheesecake cats on pogosticks. Utterly bugflagging crazyness. I've recieved replies to the little note I sent my father. They're sort of "I would contact you, but they would kill us, because the government is secretly run by nazi aliens" letters. I wish I was exaggerating. I asked my mother for his middle name and offered to forward them to her. Vicki doesn't want them and I don't blame her. I, however, am going to reply. I want to know more. Where in the city to avoid, if nothing else. As I said to someone already, I would point you to a film illustrating his violence if that sort of film weren't banned in Canada.
( here's the tame one )

what a bloody week. no time at all but enough time to create a life

I sit here feeling hollow, to discover Dean on-line. Roping words from the cybernetic saddle. He's made me feel a bit better. Two more people asking why I'm not moving to Calgary, one my mother. She made a little verbal moue of dissapointment when she found out how old he is. "I would just like it if one of these days you date someone closer to your age than mine." I'm glad I was there at the airport with him. Conversation drying up at first in the car, turning into wit with his friend Dave. There was a brilliant moment of true deja-vu at the Starbucks. Dave leans over, tilt of head just so, "would you like anything?" then seconds later Gavin does it himself. Inflection perfect. I am real now somehow in a way I wasn't before. These people who are that much his life. I thought at first it was theatrical irony. Leaning over the velvet cord to meet my eyes exactly as the other. *laughter* He makes me happy. Falling to pieces inside, leaving a shell of a life to walk back to. Slowly, step after step, walking instead of taking the bus, some part of me praying I would meet someone I knew. Wanting a ghod, a spark of recognition bringing me back to life.

I swear I felt it. The moment they stepped on. Climbing into the air and what it looked like out the window. Back of my mind, too logical for my own good. The stewardess in the front was a brunette. Best thing I ever had, that Knowing, and I discard it partly always. G-Forces tugging gently at my blood. Best thing I ever had for a long time, that boy. That stretched out body asleep in my bed. Feeling the cord stretch tenous, no break. I can climb these stairs. This won't be for five years. If I could be on that plane, if I could be there, I might even say no.

Talking In Capitals Because I Know No Other Way

I love how quickly I can slip into accepting things. Adaptation without thinking about it. I am here and this is What Is so this is What I Do. I wish it was something I could explain better, this feeling of Yes. Everything is as it should be because this is how it is. There is no It Would Be Better If.
*sighs*
One of these days everything will click snick into place and clarity will befall me, like the idea of rain washing something clean. I'll be able to explain myself, I'll be able to write and create that "this is for me" understanding in whoever reads.

Gavools on-line now. He swished straight on from the airport. Burbled up on messenger at two o'clock almost on the dot. Surprise and relief. I know what I know and I know he cares, so I'm happy. Anyone who revels in my independance with me is to be kept. I followed you home, can I keep it?

We stepped out, me to meet Domnique, him to re-arrange his life into Calgary again. My walk up the Drive was pleasant and punctuated by people stopping me on account of my hat. A police M.O. went out today for someone in a purple hat. Nevermind it was for a young male, mid-twenties, in a tight black t-shirt and bright long shorts. I have a purple hat. I must be stopped and questioned by the Filth. Made me a little late for meeting Dominique, but she'd collected Woody, so I don't feel guilty in the slightest. After assiduously not guarding some fellows truck, we dropped in Wazubi's for spicy prawns and chocolate cake. The waitress brought a dish of whipped cream with chocolate sauce. After the ordeal of the spice, I think I fully assuaged my girliness for the week in eating it straight with a baby dessert fork.

Ethan and Ian are on thier way over for some Full Contact Frisbee. I think we'll walk up to Grandview. We'll be that much closer to strawberries. Yummy freedom red on the tongue.