promising I will lose their number as soon as humanely possible

Someone has crept from the woodwork with the actual line,
"If you ever need someone for comfort, you have my number."

on the heels of the inevitable "I'm not in love with you" phonecall which always makes me spit black

Also:

To whoever it was so thoughtfully tucked the pair of condoms down next to my bed?

Incredibly bad taste. Poor taste. Poor timing. You lose. I will find you. You won't like it when I do.