I'm sure it was lovely.

I have two hundred plus pictures to go through, and I'm putting it off until when I have nothing better to do tonight. I would tell you the wedding was beautiful, but I don't know. As I was only two feet away from the bride, I couldn't see the event much as a spectator. They're on honeymoon now, Powell River I think, or another similar place up the coast a few hours drive away.

I knew about the walking down the aisle to the theme of Jurassic Park, I was not, however, told we would be walking down a second time and then to the theme of Star Wars. I suppose it was inevitable. I should have seen it coming.




Today it was hard to leave the house. I had to have company.

darren inspired me to write this

It's one of those days again. Over and over again the water droplets comes down like knives thrown into the ground, rain without end, amen. I was scared to leave the house, he had to hold my hand. He looks apiece, his coat and hair and fingers all matched in one certain picture. I have never felt so much like I wanted to be someone else. I can't help but wish I could explain to my lover why I feel robbed, how it is that something smashed. My heart was beaten over and over again at the wedding, until I returned home feeling tender and let down. Vows, pause, repeat, vows, not mine, but thiers and yours. It's not a real party unless I come home the next day after breakfast with light in the sky, unless I come home the next day having fallen asleep on a couch or taken over a guestroom. I'm feeling like I need to be wanted more, like somehow I need attention paid to me. I'm not used to it, it took some deciphering to understand. Every letter of want was shifted one over, world war two in a minor key, singing blandly and tiny in a shallow mind. Since when was I concerned about being pretty without irony?


I didn't make it to Sunday Tea today. Crying myself to sleep didn't leave me in a state of mind that supplied motivation against the horrid hill that he lives atop of. Instead I went downtown and dealt with some things which needing sorting. One foot after the other, eyes glazed purchasing of pre-planned presents. (tikiking, I have your return package ready.) Someone stole my laundry that I left overnight in the washing room, but I haven't replaced my towels yet. I woke early after going to bed late with my mouth full of iron blood, and warmth streaming down my face. The sun was just rising when I went to spit it out. Looking at myself in the mirror, I felt like cockroaches must be living under my skin in an alternate reality. Blank eyes in a pale uninteresting face smeared with crimson. There's nothing behind those eyes, I thought to myself, I can't find a person there.