putting my head back together

[foxtongue]

Padova, rezando
Originally uploaded by odei.

Surely seven steps have been taken. Days collapsing in exhaustion, settling yourself back into the city, alcohol aware, wondering where I am. I know that not once has an hour walked by without handing me a card with your holy name written on it. My eyes falling down, unable to speak it out loud without reverberations stirring within my heart. Scripted now, I don't know what to say. It's been a week. Every day an anniversary missed. I'm waiting. I gave you something and it's time you gave it back. It's been decided I'm a widow now, the grave dug in foreign soil when you decided another bed would be the answer to a question I don't know yet.

Tonight is burlesque followed by midnight Rocky Horror at Andrea's house. An easy segue, we'll all be dressed appropriately, though we'll likely be showing up without toast or toilet paper. Tomorrow I don't know. During the day on both Saturday and Sunday are Kokoro Dance's 10th Annual Wreck Beach Butoh performances, something I haven't been to in years now. Afterward, I'm sure there's something happening Saturday night. With us, how could there not be? I put down my lack of knowledge to the fact that lately my brain, at best, has been a distracted sieve. Sunday is darling Chelsea's birthday dinner, and Monday is the ever-present Korean Movie Night. Tuesday is Beth's performance and Wednesday... Wednesday my skull swishes, an empty shell of me. Dominique, were you Wednesday? It was dedicated to someone and it wasn't for Karaoke, that comes later. Was there a concert? Something to do with Mike? I'm tired, my memories bleeding. Thursday pulls a blank, but Friday is Lung's not-to-be-missed photography show.

Comments

widow

[naekkae.livejournal.com]

as the widow, can you grieve and move on? or do you feel trapped in the aching?

[porphyre.livejournal.com]

Got to pay me respect still, don't I?

[naekkae.livejournal.com]

not every death deserves the same amount of respect.

[porphyre.livejournal.com]

then we shall agree to differ, yes?

[naekkae.livejournal.com]

my mother is very fond of that expression. funny that hearing it makes me think of her.

[ridenowhere.livejournal.com]

My Mum is a widow. Really. She got through it.

[porphyre.livejournal.com]

Yes, I know that bit. The first truly amazing encounter I ever had with a stranger was with a widow. I was in Oakville, of all places, at a biker bonfire party in a farmers field. Eventually the fire was a huge thing, blazing to light the sky on fire. She was with one of the performers, and I'd just met Joseph the night before. It was an act of unbelievable trust that I was even there. He'd asked me, "hey, do you want to go camping?" an hour after we met. I was standing with her and watching the stage. Joseph was sitting on top of some speakers and playing for me from the stage, the fire relecting off of him like he'd been polished simply for that moment.

She glowed with everything I wanted to be. She was powerful, just the way her words moved, just the way she kissed the world with her body by standing still. She said, "Believe me, that life is too short not to love anyone. I tell you now to dive in, to find out everything you can, try what you need to, because later you won't have a chance".

I got a picture of it earlier on, before the picnic tables looked tiny inside of it:

[ridenowhere.livejournal.com]

Life's too damned long not to be loved by anyone too (no matter how short it is).

I've dived in many times myself and the water turned out to be an illusion. I was left broken and bleeding on the cement. EVERY GODDAMN TIME!

[porphyre.livejournal.com]

Canp;t say I've particularly noticed any, though I tend to be terribly blind on such matters.

[kickasskaren.livejournal.com]

"She glowed with everything I wanted to be. She was powerful, just the way her words moved, just the way she kissed the world with her body by standing still. She said, "Believe me, that life is too short not to love anyone. I tell you now to dive in, to find out everything you can, try what you need to, because later you won't have a chance". "
wow. gave me goosebumps the first time i read it. :)

[kurrs.livejournal.com]

Picture = Yes

[porphyre.livejournal.com]

This is a trend, I see.

[bloodykitty.livejournal.com]

yes. wednesday is totally me. me and mike and the brickyard, yo.

[porphyre.livejournal.com]

Yo woman, when?

[bloodykitty.livejournal.com]

i dunno. the night time. ask michael.

[kurrs.livejournal.com]

dominique's drunk comment:

dear jhayne,

your name is fucking hard to spell when you are as drunk as me. i am impressed with my typing ability, actually. i totally do not suck.

last night, we did not call you, but we should have. because you are awesome. and hot. but i am a lascivious drunk. so i call people hot when i am drunk.
so yeah. you are hot. omg. i am so not interesting when i am wasted. holy shit.

like wow, man.

[porphyre.livejournal.com]

You're right. Your drunk typing is far superior to me I'm-overdosing-on-opium-and-cannot-breathe typing.