I shan't admit

[foxtongue]

091705-021
Originally uploaded by aeillill.

My suppositions were correct, the power supply had popped, and now we've got my machine plugged into Andrew's. We're crowded on his bed, clearing big chunks of tasty media off my hard-drive onto various sized discs. When James left me his machine, he left it filled to the brink with wonderful films and brilliant programs. There is almost nothing it isn't capable of, if I had the skills to take advantage of it or or if it had a damned power supply. Ah well. Tomorrow such problems will be fixed. I have breakfast in the morning with Matthew, which will lead into our mutual appointment with Sarah and drop me off at the lunch reservations I made for my mother's birthday.

He tells me he loves me when I say goodbye on the phone. There has never been a voice so sad as mine in my heart when I cradle the reciever back in its plastic bed. I don't say it back, what need? I am branching, my arms boughs, my fingers as twigs. Someone has offered to teach me to float glass like air in my palms, like dreams. I want to. These lips are remembering his eyes and hair. I feel my Saturday as a wondrous thing. The Party Not Starring Peter Sellers was exquisite. The bit with Chris, at least, he is magic incarnate, and Crystal does things with two sets of tassels that defy the imagination. I won a dance contest while in a corset, though I will never attempt such a thing again. I felt like dying for fifteen minutes after. The rest of it was fairly basic, but enjoyable nonetheless. I reacquainted myself with lost theatre people, Terry, Jacques, darling Chris, and I finally met Bill's wife ma'am. I touched her stomach where his child is brewing. I saw how he looked at her, I'd forgotten. I can feel his face in my expressions again. When he swung down from his perch, I had to squash my urges to go and hug him, instead I left my smile intact and tried to not crowd him. When I was downstairs in the hall, a staff member asked what I came for. I joked, "To see the show, of course, and to discomfit my ex."

We laughed, but I'm so sorry to say that it's what happened. I miss his muppet gestures. In my recent cleaning of my room, I found a picture of him from one of our earlier anniversaries. There's flowers in his hair and 'I love you' written in chocolate on his chest. The rest of it, I dare not say in public, but needless to say, it was rather touching. I'd put up blue lights on the wall over the bed in the shape of a giant heart. It stayed up for months, though every time we had sex, we would tear part of it down.

I found Vancouver's secret burlesque bar, Saturday. It's a room fifteen feet wide, and as long as the block is wide. The second floor is a golden balcony overlooking the dancefloor, and instead of a disco ball, there's a silver merry-go-round horse studded with mirrors. I fell instantly in love. Terry and Ryan and I arrived just as the very last of the burlesque ended, (two minutes of shadows having sex), and soon set up camp upstairs. Terry is especially brilliant, as he is one of those most precious people who continues to be astutely brilliant when proceeding to be drunk. We leaned over the balustrade and shouted communist political slogans at appropriate moments in between dancing ironically and splashing the people below with ice-water and gin and tonic. Within half an hours, I collected an entire stag party, (with phone-numbers), and commandeered a few of them into affixing a fan to a table for me to have a private dance-floor on the balcony. I felt, finally, like I was having the sort of evening that silver_notebook regularly inspires my jealousy with.

Comments

[asrei.livejournal.com]

Actually.
Dont babe.
Sorry I asked.

[porphyre.livejournal.com]

It's one of those, I know.

[asrei.livejournal.com]

*nod*
... *bitter smile*

[donnaidh-sidhe.livejournal.com]

Note: mother's link is broken

Note 2: damn fine evening! And now that I'm back to the 9-5 shift, I no longer have to reserve such times for weekends only...

[porphyre.livejournal.com]

I get off work early enough to hit up most things, I think. It's been only the most rare of occasions that I've missed, and those have been through people forgetting to tell me about them.

[silver-notebook.livejournal.com]

I won a dance contest while in a corset and Vancouver's secret burlesque bar......I collected an entire stag party
Sounds like your life has no shortage of thrilling and glorious moments.

regularly inspires my jealousy
How can you possibly be jealous of me? You always have so much going on that you're right at the heart of. It's only because I fill my diary with mainly the cheery fluff of my life that it looks so alluring. In reality, it's padded out with a thick duvet of humdrum mundanities; but I have no desire to reflect on or record such things in a public arena, and I want it as a record of the good things that happen all around me; 'cos life is filled with so much good shit.

I am too old to be emo, and too lucky to moan, even when things feel a bit shitty.

and I haven't had a worthwhile lover in too long to admit to

[porphyre.livejournal.com]

It's not so much jealousy as pangs of reverse nostalgia, perhaps. I remember when cheer was far more usual, when it actually effected me rather than simply sitting on top an ever present misery. Life, of late, has been one shattering disaster piled atop another. People dying, relationships violently ending, emotional shrapnel littering everything possible. This week that sort of thing has been pleasantly absent, and Saturday reminded me very strongly of your account of the purple weekend. I hope very much that it's going to proceed a milder clime, a more steady influx of good. I was starting to feel as if too much of me might have died somewhere in summer, and now I've got some hope that I was wrong. I don't want my current state to stay, I want to get better. I want to feel free again.

if it helps, I haven't had one either.

[silver-notebook.livejournal.com]

now I've got some hope that I was wrong
I'm so glad of this. Those watching from the outside could see so much potential for joy: you seem to create good situations all around you. I imagine that the awfulness of some things you've been through just made it hard to see or feel beyond them. I'm glad it's coming back.

if it helps, I haven't had one either.
I fear we may be working on different timescales.

[porphyre.livejournal.com]

Ah, and then today's news. I had a lovely evening last night, I'm vaguely glad I only found out this morning. A very sweet boy came over and we made dinner, stir-fry and dahl. He laughs and I wonder a how serious I've become. It's good for me.

it's a possibility. I had a an evening sometime inthe last six months which was memorable.

[silver-notebook.livejournal.com]

I saw: she looked so young and beautiful. The laughing is good for you, whatever else happens.

Last autumn I had a brief encounter, but he was too full of an evening of social and tired from travel for it to be anything remarkable. It's even longer ago since then that I've had a lover to tear up days and nights with.

[porphyre.livejournal.com]

He contact juggles, what he does with his hands doesn't seem real, and he may be teaching me a little. I think that idea is more uplifting then anything I've heard in months.

My lovers have always been too much older than me to properly paint a town red with. I thought I'd found someone with Matthew, but he proved me wrong, and my one evening was only that, and became betrayal later. It's not been a very good year.

[silver-notebook.livejournal.com]

I once attempted juggling: hand eye co-ordination is not one of my strengths. If it had been, I would have been grabbing at fire sticks.

my one evening was only that,
That was a lovely entry: I'm sorry it didn't turn out better for you.

[porphyre.livejournal.com]

Thankfully it's not a skill which requires a lot of tossing things around. It's the thing Bowie does in Labrynth with the glass spheres.

Things will get better. They do that. The world is too large, with too many possibilities for otherwise.

[silver-notebook.livejournal.com]

Labyrinth - aaagh, I remember being dragged along to see that film. I giggled lots.

The world is too large, with too many possibilities for otherwise.
Indeed; your underlying positivity will get you through it all.

[porphyre.livejournal.com]

I never saw it in the theatre. I saw it later, much later, and feel in love with the puppets. (It wsa only until years later, someone pointed out the Bowie pants thing. Yerg.)

I suspect the same for you, too. Though in my case, it's a healthy veneer to coat my raging nihilism. *grins*

[ridenowhere.livejournal.com]

I drive you all the way over there, summoning chocolate for you from thin air (and stopping for more along the way) and nary a mention do I get.........

[porphyre.livejournal.com]

*yells*

AND RAY WAS BERLOODY AMAZING, FETCHING ME A GIGANTIC POWERBAR WITH ALL SORTS OF AMAZING DOOHICKEY PLUGS ON IT, FAR MORE THAN A GIRL COULD EVER DREAM OF, SO BIG IT WOULD NOT FIT IN MY BAG WHEN IT CAME TIME TO LEAVE, SO BIG A LESSER MAN THAN HE WOULD FEEL A SLIGHT INTIMIDATION, WHICH IS WHEN THE GLORIOUS RAY DID OFFER AND GIVE RYAN AND I A RIDE TO ANDREWS, WITH A STOP FOR DELICIOUS TASTY TREATS FORSOOTH.

[ridenowhere.livejournal.com]

Oh yeah! There's the inflated sense of self-esteem! Hitting like adrenaline and diazepan all together! That's the GOOD stuff..........