moments when I suck

[foxtongue]

365 2009: 15.01.09

As a transit reader, I sit as far in the back as possible, where it's possible to wedge into a side seat, face forward, and slouch properly into my book right under the brightest lights, right in a corner where no one can bump me. She, as a maybe slightly crazy person, got on a couple of stops after I did, and proceeded to begin a monologue of utter, utter bile. A narrative thread thick with fucking pigs, wops the fucking lot of them or spics fucking spics and if he hadn't fucking said those fucking lies, shit, it serves them right, fucking niggers, fuckers, mother fucking shits.. It's not like it was even directed outward, her obvious hatred at the entire planet and every multi-celled organism on it, no. Oh no. She stood there, leaning brutishly over her over stuffed back-pack like it was a rebellious child she wanted to smack, talking only to herself. Hissing, whispering, barely above a disturbing murmur.

I tried to tune her out, and mostly succeeded, though there were a few moments when her volume reached out and clobbered my reading, usually with derogatory terms I had to search my memory for. (Like, okay, when she uses the word chink, she is obviously not referring to a plaster crack in a wall, but what the heck is a chug? Answer: I have no idea.) Every time the bus paused at a stop, my spirits lifted with a wild hope that when the doors opened, she would leave, and I would never see her again. More the fool me. Oh hope. Oh fallacy. Instead, she grew more violent with herself, more spirited. As my stop approached, I decided that I would brush past her as quickly as possible because I knew, I just knew that if she said anything even remotely hateful to my face, I'd slug her. It's not that I'm violent, but more that I wouldn't be able to help myself. I'm Canadian. I don't even like to witness littering.

The time came. I pulled the cord, the bell rang, the bus slowed. I stood, collecting myself as compactly as possible, and slid past her, touching her as little as possible. Unfortunately, given her disposition, she'd been crowding into my corner more and more, and by the time I got up, when I say I slid past her, it's more I squished past her, trying to get by. She turned, "Hey!" and I braced myself, telling myself to be nice, to leave my pointy things in my pocket, to not bunch my fist full of keys. "Ma'am," she said, (ma'am? really?), "I would appreciate if you would say excuse me in the future, as pushing past people is rude." Stunned, I replied, "Er, sorry, I didn't want to disturb you. Sorry." and exited with as much confused dignity as I could.

"Way to make a stand." I thought at the corner, watching the bus drive by, "Next time I should set myself on fire."

Comments

[rogue-priestess.livejournal.com]

a "chug" is derogatory slang for Native American Indian

I have no idea why

[porphyre.livejournal.com]

Bwah? That's... well, okay. That's just as bizarre as any other racial epithet. I give up understanding. I don't know the history of any of them, except they tend to crop up around wars.

[playingtruant.livejournal.com]

it's in reference to drinking. pretty gross

[lafinjack.livejournal.com]

Though that one's not particularly creative, I sometimes wonder what the bigots could accomplish if they were able to focus their imagination on thinking up something other than epithets. Maybe it's better this way.

[kindelingboy.livejournal.com]

"Ma'am," she said, (ma'am? really?), "I would appreciate if you would say excuse me in the future, as pushing past people is rude."

This juxtaposition is HILARIOUS.

[porphyre.livejournal.com]

Oh Crackton, when won't you surprise us?

[michel-lacombe.livejournal.com]

So... you suck because you didn't slug a mental patient?

I'm surprised you didn't laugh out loud, really.

[porphyre.livejournal.com]

She wasn't a mental patient by any stretch of the imagination. If she'd been silent, she would have been like every other short, butch woman with a tank top and a back-pack, probably on her way to a hike.

[michel-lacombe.livejournal.com]

And mental patients wear uniforms in Vanc?

[mallinson.livejournal.com]

Ah, the old 8-second "I should have" delay; the same thing has happened to me. It takes time and resolve before that can be honed down to 1. Don't trust people who are at 0; you should think about doing rash things for a second.

[porphyre.livejournal.com]

I'm usually at least a two, that's why I wrote about it. Since when do I not have an appropriate come-back?

[penumbra604.livejournal.com]

Hmm.

It does sound a little like a case of Tourette's Syndrome (specifically one with Coprolalia). I suspect you'd know about this disease though so perhaps you'd ruled it out already?

I have to admit though that I've never actually seen this in action (I did see a couple of people with Tourette's Syndrome before but the tics were non-verbal) so I wouldn't know in any case.

Blech to have to put up with it, whatever the cause.

[penumbra604.livejournal.com]

Weird....despite being signed in, it posted my comment as anonymous for some reason.

[porphyre.livejournal.com]

I suppose I should rewrite my post a bit to clear that up. There's a couple of people with Tourette's on my bus route, one of them quite nice, and this wasn't it.

[papavic.livejournal.com]

I *live* with one of those; she sleeps in my closet (her preference) and therein rages similarly

perhaps canada as america has no social or governmental safety net for such people

though I'm not married to her I have loved her for over a decade
(my own personal Grace Poole; isn't it lovely?)
but for her recently-manifested agoraphobia
might be the twin of the woman who vexed you


please do not slug them
(nor set yourself afire)
even though you may feel you want to

[breklor.livejournal.com]

We used to have a much better safety net, but many of the psychiatric care institutions were shut down about ten years ago and their patients basically turned out on the street. Now, unless you're doing something blatantly violent and/or self-destructive, there's not a lot they will do for you.

[papavic.livejournal.com]

it's essentially the same here


in 1970 California had 11 state mental hospitals and 12 state prisons

in 2000 it had 3 state mental hospitals and 33 state prisons

and I would want her in any of those places (or the street)

[porphyre.livejournal.com]

Having grown up with a father with serious mental illness, I sympathize completely. This woman didn't strike me as having any pathology, though. She merely seemed incredibly angry at a very particular group of people and unfortunately decided to generalize in a highly uncivilized manner that I could never agree with.

[papavic.livejournal.com]

I could certainly never agree with the invective from my closet
since it calls for the destruction of all humanity (and the universe)
in very graphically specific and exquisitely detailed terms

and delivered in a voice that mimics the sound of an overworked tile saw
an astonishing noise to come from someone who could pass for a LOTR elf
all but for the ears

[porphyre.livejournal.com]

I am not shocked in the slightest that you would live with an elf. That seems appropriate.

intrigued

[papavic.livejournal.com]

I *must* ask how and why you conclude this

in happier (?) days, aka "Scene From A SciFi Western"

[papavic.livejournal.com]

[breklor.livejournal.com]

There's at least one woman who tends to ride the same buses that we do, who has a fairly nasty case of Tourette's or something like that. I don't get the impression that she's a bad person, but after a period of relative calm will suddenly start snarling and swearing and cursing. Frequently folks with Tourette's will say awful things that they don't even remotely mean. Just, you know, to open up a faint crack of hope that she might not have actually been as vile as she sounded :)

Oh, and I don't think you suck for not having said or done anything. If she's not psychologically ill, then she's clearly worked herself into a state of such venomous hatred that nothing you could say would likely help, and slugging her would just reinforce that "they" are out to get her, and are just convincing gullible white girls to do their dirty work for them...

[porphyre.livejournal.com]

I've talked to that woman, actually. We met after she once terrified a preschool outing that was also on the bus.

This lady, she was working herself into it, convincing herself as you listened that if we kept out all the "coloured [redacted]", her life would be better, that she wouldn't have to deal with anything bad ever again, that there'd be no crime. It was incredible racism, and though I know my urge to just have it out with her would have been useless, I do regret not saying anything. After all that, she called ME rude? How could I not?

[breklor.livejournal.com]

You do have a point there. :)

[wileypeter]

There is little defense for surreality. By its nature it makes us skip a groove. Don't beat yourself up.

Of course, my brain now is formulating the reply, "Er, sorry, I didn't want to disturb you. Any further." But if she had Tourette's (and I had a Tourette's customer at the record store who was a total sweetheart but said the worst things, though more random than this sounds) it would have been the worst thing to say. Perhaps your gentle reply might soften her day.

[porphyre.livejournal.com]

I'd bet dollars for dimes her ranting then went on to include bitches who shove past her on the bus too. I'm not sorry that I didn't give in to that black feeling, I'm just more sorry I was too surprised to say anything.

[joyousandjuicy.livejournal.com]

I love how much more Canadian your actual behaviour was than the stance you'd planned to take.

[porphyre.livejournal.com]

Ha! I hadn't even considered that.

[joyousandjuicy.livejournal.com]

I'm going to hole up in a cafe today and read. Wanna join?

Re: that's because you live in the states

[porphyre.livejournal.com]

Stars and bleeding mercy, can you blieve i COMPLETELY forgot to call Mark until just right now??? Thank you for reminding me. i'll call him and get back to you.

ps. I've got towo houseguest in fro Seattle today, know any good things to bring them to?

[porphyre.livejournal.com]

Called and cancelled. His cousins have dropped into town and I've got friends in from Seattle. We've moved our shenanigans to Wednesday. Woot!

So, want to wait until I send the boys home? Or would you like to come Vancouver adventuring with us?

[joyousandjuicy.livejournal.com]

Oh, oh yes I do, really really, want to come adventuring in this gorgeous sun, but as per last night's LJ posts: today must be about a reading binge so I can present to my seminar on Monday and get other really pressing schoolshit done. *cries!* So, mebbe give me a buzz later on! You can come curl up with me to read? Or I could join you guys for a dinner/food break?

[porphyre.livejournal.com]

I think they'll be heading back to Seattleland around 5-ish, but if not and we do dinner somewhere, maybe take advantage of Dine Out Vancouver, I'll give you a call. Otherwise, evening tea?

[joyousandjuicy.livejournal.com]

Yes and yes. Happy adventuring!

I'm more Canadian that most of the people on my street...

[a-dream-tiger.livejournal.com]

That's exactly what I was thinking.

I need to get better at calling out unacceptable behaviour when I see it. I am a tad more likely, lately, to challenging someone using "gay=stupid" and other homophobic word appropriations that I quite thoroughly abhor. Still I would generally only say something when I know the person or am already talking to them. I'm still more likely to apologize to someone else for their bad behaviour than I am to challenge them on it. That seems more stereotypically Canadian to me.

Here's Spirit of the West's description of what is Far Too Canadian is their opinion (lyrics). I'd say that this song is a tad too pointed an indictment for Canadians in general (though perhaps a touch closer to the mark for me personally).

- Tony the Tiger

P.S. I also hate to witness littering. You are more likely to catch me in the act of MOOP-ing the local sidewalk than littering.

that's because you live in the states

[porphyre.livejournal.com]

Alright, I have to ask... define "MOOP"?

she took the bait ;-T

[a-dream-tiger.livejournal.com]

A term used often at burning man, as either a noun or a verb, to describe Matter Out Of Place and the collection thereof. It is of particular concern at such a "leave no trace" event with no public garbage cans but, as with many tenets of burner philosophy, it can be useful elsewhere year round.

[zu-zu-zu-zu-zu.livejournal.com]

I had a guy in Vancouver once stand in the middle of the aisle in the articulated section. He was almost certainly doing it on purpose. When I squeezed past him gently, he called after me angrily "You're supposed to say excuse me!"
I ignored him. He was quite clearly just trying to cause trouble.

[porphyre.livejournal.com]

In retrospect, I decided that about her too. I think she hoped I would call her on it, so she could take her obviously bad day out on someone.