you could have told me less casually

[foxtongue]

naiad
Originally uploaded by Foxtongue.

When you say, you in the plural, in the too many of you, "I'm not telling my wife," I have a perception shift as a tense block of knowledge creaks suddenly into place. You are partitioning me away, removing my reality. You are creating a space for me, which has nothing to do with your solid life, that is to abandoned as soon as primary characters arrive. I've done this before, had to live as my role is reshaped around me into the idea of my body and grace, I know what you're doing before you do. When I look down into my lap with resignation, what else is there to do, it is with this understanding. From there on in, your honesty diminishes every time you kiss me. You might not even see it. Every time my hand is held, every time I am told that I am loved or treasured, our light dims, laced with the knowledge that I am an eradicable betrayal that you will want later to erase.

And then we playfully kiss like sticky children outside a door, we share a glance and giggle at something improbable. I carve lines in the air around your body with my breath like prayer. You hold my hand and trace the lines there, as if you could grant me immortality with the poetry of your smile. But there never is any poetry. As soon as I am out of the room, you can reattribute your actions, decide after the fact what you meant and how you meant it. It burns, your plausible explanations, how you write all the rules, how you'll still be cruel enough to pretend that I have any say in the matter, as if I had any power except to leave.

Yesterday the line, "cradling my hips like a warm cup of tea," popped into my head. When I was younger, I imagined that's what I wanted. Someone who would hold my body canted to their lips as if I was a chalice of some sort to be poured. It might have even been the word canted that gave me such a fancy. Now that I've found a few of those people, I've discovered that I was right. It's comforting to know that not everything I thought would be nice turned out to be wrong. There's a not a lot else that I still have, not in the long run. I had a golden summer once that taught me how to smile. I cried when it was time to leave and when my then partner held me in the cloak of his obscene hair and comforted me, "Life is long, you will fall in love again, many times," through my wracking body, I knew he was right. What he failed to explain was how few people would bother face the fear of falling in love, how they would hold back and hold back and hold back until finally, in cowardice, lose their mind and flee to be free.


edit: p.s. Finland won?? whiskey tango fff?

Comments

[cdmj.livejournal.com]

That picture looks totally like my sister with blue eyes.

[porphyre.livejournal.com]

Have I met her? I don't believe I have. I think I'd remember a girl who looked like a waterhouse painting. *grins*

[cdmj.livejournal.com]

No, you haven't. But, I'll look for a good pic...or ask her to take a pic in the likeness of the painting. She look alot like that minus that colour of died hair, plus she has brown eyes. But the same facial structure. And, it looks like that person is a common element in his paintings. So, stay tuned.

[porphyre.livejournal.com]

*grins* Except that the picture is me, not actually a waterhouse. The only similarity is the colour palette. Thank you though. I think it's neat that I look like your sister.

[inri33.livejournal.com]

I work with the guy who designed 'we playfully kiss like sticky children'. He's a photographer too.

[porphyre.livejournal.com]

You mean the website?

[inri33.livejournal.com]

yeah sorry, missed a word

[kahoki.livejournal.com]

What happened? Did GWAR (http://www.hyfntrak.com/gwar/fromafriend/) defect to Finland from there American compound in Virginia?

[porphyre.livejournal.com]

GWAR puts on a far better show. I love they on while at the same time it's vaguely terrifying. They must have got through on sheer novelty, being so different from the usual glitter an fluff bands.

[jason0x21.livejournal.com]

Handy Phrases to Clip'n'Save:

• She doesn't understand me like you do.
  
• We can't have a normal relationship.
  
• I can't be the same person with you in public.
  
• This has nothing to do with my other relationship.
  

I, of course, have used all of these. It was like talking around several baseballs that suddenly materialized in my solar-plexus, chest, and mouth. "This must be what guilt in action feels like." (hardly, the worst is always yet to come) With such experience, I was of course totally unprepared for when they were used on me.

These things are not yet far enough behind me.

I am not, of course, trying to justify anything. This is probably just a long-winded way of saying "boys are dumb, you deserve better."

[michel-lacombe.livejournal.com]

"My life is complicated right now."

Not a behavior exclusive to men.

[jason0x21.livejournal.com]

Oh. Yeah. Duh.

I implied that, but then, I guess, reverse-implied it.

As mckenzee and I used to opine...

1. Men are Stupid.
   
2. Women are Evil.
   
3. Especially Redheads.
   

This is only because we are obsessed with bullet-points.

[silver-notebook.livejournal.com]

"I'm not telling my wife,"
Any man who says that is likely not worth it: greedy; they'll take what they can from you and retreat to what they know when it all becomes too much for them.

What he failed to explain was how few people would bother face the fear of falling in love, how they would hold back and hold back and hold back until finally, in cowardice, lose their mind and flee to be free.
Also, those that don't love easily sometimes do that out of respect; while those that do often offer a lazy love that has little worth beyond the sparkle of the word itself. For some, the word 'love' is little more than an excuse for bad behaviour. That's not something bold and glorious to be admired.

[porphyre.livejournal.com]

I cherish that respect when I am lucky enough to encounter it. What I rail against might have been best summed up by Douglas Copeland, "Time ticks by; we grow older. Before we know it, too much time has passed and we've missed the chance to have had other people hurt us. To a younger me this sounded like luck; to an older me this sounds like a quiet tragedy." People who are too timid to let themselves be, though it would have them happier.

Finland

[skonen-blades.livejournal.com]

Uh, did he just say Arockalypse?

I think they should have won not only the Eurovision award but also two Oscars, three Tonys and a Genie. Unhindered genius.

Re: Finland

[porphyre.livejournal.com]

I can think of no better word for them than 'unhindered'. You should get a prize.

[(Anonymous)]

Are you a serial husband dater?? You can rest assured that you have already played a significant role in the destruction of one marriage, and I don't consider that to to be something to wax lyrical about. I don't care if you post this publicly or not, but do know that I won't be responding to any vitriol that this comment may trigger. If you are ever married Jhayne I hope you do not have to experience what happens when another woman actively pursues your husband. Granted it does take two to tango, but I certainly would NEVER even look twice at a man who is married until he was out of the relationship already. Just a thought...

[porphyre.livejournal.com]

I'm confused as to who you might be or when you would have started reading. By your assumptions, it would seem you're a recent reader, (vitriol, the pursuance of married men, the idea that I wouldn't know what it's like), however, I can only assume that by a wrecked marriage, you're referring to Matthew, (who was a multiple cheater, on me and others simultaneously), who rest assured has been quite capable of destroying all his relationships without any help, but that was this time last year. The educated guess would be that you just sort of pop in infrequently, and so don't know the whole story, either comeing or going, for which I'm sorry, as it's entirely possible you've painted a picure of me in your head that has very little to do with what's actually been going on.

[(Anonymous)]

You would be surprised Jhayne as to how much I do know. End of story.

[porphyre.livejournal.com]

Then... yeah, I've no idea why you would say some of what you've said. *shrugs* If you would like to take it upon yourself to play informant, please be my guest.